Why Would A Person Want Privacy in Marriage?
By Murray Mead
Certain marriage information should be kept private, such as the details of your sex life, your finances, things you’ve done wrong and any negatives that would lower your image with others. We all want to shine in others minds and others like it that way too.
The happiest couples I’ve ever seen share their lives with each other telling their mate their wins, losses, secrets, joys, feelings and fears. They share their hopes, wants, wishes and desires. They have very few secrets, if any.
Yet, in our highly educated and sophisticated society marriages have a failure rate of over 60%. Something is wrong and so far fixing that statistic seems impossible. If you were selecting a roofer to roof your house would you chose one whose statistic was that 60% of his roofs leaked? Of course you wouldn’t. You are smarter than that yet people say “I Do” everyday where 60% of the marriages fail.
It is a sad, sad situation and deserves a bit more exploration. I will do that here.
The first question is “Why Do People Get Married?” Where did it start? Who is behind this ceremony?
Well, society is behind it and there are definite reasons for the push and acceptance of marriage. Most parents encourage marriage as well as one’s co-workers, relatives friends and the church.
My studies tell me that marriage started out as a result of a problem many centuries ago. It seems that a long time ago men were hunters and gatherers and spent most of their time traveling in the bush and countryside. They did not live in houses in town. They traveled almost all the time. When they had something to sell they would go to small towns and get some money for their catch or trappings.
While in these towns they would rent a room and stay a day or two to relax. The best way to relax was to spend some time with a female and they were always ready for sex when they hit town.
Well, all of the single and available women were living in compounds on the outskirts of towns. The men would go there and pick one out that they liked and spend a day or two with her in his rented room.
All was well until the towns became overpopulated with children and mothers unable to feed them. The townspeople got tired of feeding them and had to do something about it.
The churches stepped in and created something called “marriage”, which meant that the sperm-spreader had to give money to support the child he left behind. It became a religious law and the townships adopted it.
People wanted to do the right thing and satisfy the church and the town so marriage developed into a ceremony and included the rules of support.
Later the laws of the town and the need for money created the “Marriage License” and the town was happy.
The churches put together the rules of marriage that exist today. They also developed pre-marital training that still exists today. With a 60% failure rate something is wrong or missing with this training.
Everyone has opinions but statistics are statistics and need to be recognized by everyone.
Initially the only place one could get married was in a church but it has gone to Justices of the Peace and workers in a courthouse. Look at Las Vegas and other marriage mills. The training was never there and is totally missing today.
To take care of dogs requires training, passing a test and obtaining a license. High school students must take Driver’s Ed before trying to get their license to drive a car. What test is there for marriage qualifications?
NONE, absolutely NONE!
Everyone thinks they know how and they fail 60% of the time.
So, how do you make a marriage work today? What can be done to achieve a lasting and happy marriage?
Libraries and bookstores are loaded with books on this subject and many people who fail at marriage have read many of them. The problem is that these books beat around the edges of the subject and don’t spell out any real training for the readers.
Speaking about privacy in marriage reminds me of the instruction I gave a couple 30 years ago. They were living together and enjoying real happiness. They really wanted to get married but had a big reservation. They were scared to death that if they got married it would fail and they would become quite unhappy. They had seen it happen so often. Yet society was pushing them to marry. They brought their fears to me and I told them to go ahead, satisfy society and get married. Why would I do that?
I told them how to get married, satisfy their neighbors, relatives, friends and church because I knew that to be living together for 2 or 3 years and enjoy the happiness level they had between them they must have been creating the relationship on purpose. She would always do little things for him like sticking “I Love You” notes on his windshield and he did a lot of this too like surprising her with roses and costume jewelry.
This was a create; create relationship without any rules or laws threatening them or the relationship. Every move was based on each of them creating or throwing loving things to each other. Each one of them did it on their own without any rules or laws. They had a two party relationship. They didn’t want to lose that so I told them something they hadn’t thought of before.
I asked them if they wanted the relationship to carry on exactly as it had been for years and they both said yes, yes, yes.
The marriage contract is the toughest contract one will ever sign. It says, “Till death do us part.” No other contract is so tough.
Another thing steps into the relationship when the marriage license is issued and contract is signed. You now have a Third Party contract, not two as it was before. You now have the church, the city, county, state and federal governments involved and the relationship and 60% of the time it ends up in the divorce dump.
A divorce is devastating to all parties involved. Each person is financially and emotionally devastated and the children are usually thrown away. A person can lose a loved one or a job after many years and not be devastated. You can recover a loss or a job but a divorce is the worst thing a person can go through.
I told them that right after the marriage they needed to secretly go to Mexico and get divorced. That way no one would know about the divorce but they would all know about the marriage and all would be happy. They would never tell anyone about the divorce. This I call Privacy in marriage.
Only they would know that no marriage existed and they would need to continue their creative relationship. They would know that either one of them could walk away at anytime and that they needed to continue to create a relationship with each other in order to continue their level of happiness.
If you are looking for the “Golden Keys” to the Happy Marriage Vault you may have found it today. You see, most authors writing on this subject spend their time explaining hope, wants, wishes and desires. That’s not where the secrets are. They are in the Needs category.
In a marriage each partner has needs, hopes, wishes and desires. These needs are the basic building blocks of a marriage because if each partners basic needs are not satisfied the marriage will never support their higher hopes, wants, wishes and desires.
It is important to acknowledge the differences between men and women in order to understand that a man’s needs in a marriage are very different from a woman’s needs.
How many needs are there for a human being to survive? Only 3. They are Air, Water and Nourishment. Everything else is a hope, want, wish or desire.
In analyzing relationships between boys and girls I discovered the three most important needs that must be supplied on a regular daily basis to the female for her to be happy in a relationship. There are only three. I also discovered his three most important needs that she must supply him on a daily basis for a happy relationship and they are totally different from her three most important needs.
I submit that two Givens are in place before the boy or girl addresses the needs of the other person.
Given number one is that they are “communicating, talking or shouting at each other.” This must be in place.
Given number two is “an acceptable level of sex between them.”
If a boy and a girl are communicating and have an acceptable level of sex, do you know his 3 needs and her 3 needs? Can you write them down 1-2-3?
If not you need to get “THE SECRETS TO STAYING HAPPILY MARRIED.”
GO TO WWW.SECRETSTOMARRIAGE.COM
It’s only 64 pages long. Do not tell your spouse to read it, just lay it down in sight and let her or him discover it on his or her own.
YOU WILL CLEAR UP A LOT OF MISUNDERSTANDINGS AND GET A LOT SMARTER.
Remember: “What Isn’t Taken Care Of Falls Apart”